I been missin’ you

Oh blog! I have abandoned you for months! The roughest semester yet, BUT it is finally over. So much has happened since we last spoke…and so little. Now, as a rising senior, I am puzzled by the utter surreallness of life. Seriously, I am already here, in this place, at this point in my life? Boring  seconds somehow became minutes and weeks and then we arrived here.  I love how incomprehensible life is. Random, psychotic, brilliant. And I have so many movies and such to fill you in on. In the psychotic category, we have….Teeth! Finally got the nerve to watch this disturbing and hilarious movie. Jess Weixler is vulnerable, delusional, creepy, innocent, then finally empowered. I never thought her “special” evolutionary trait would be so kick ass. Horrifying, but she gave women a power that they never had before.

In the brilliant category, we have….A Single Man! God, this is one of those movies you watch in awe, transfixed with its beauty and melancholy. I hate that word but, well, it fits. Tom Ford does not simply create pretty hues and atmosphere, he creates a life, a way of seeing things, and sense of someone’s being. Anyone can tell you I love me some Colin Firth, and have seen a lot of his movies. I didn’t even have to think twice about this one; 10 minutes into the movie it was already in my top ten list. It didn’t hurt that so many people I LURVED were in it as well; Julianne Moore (just give her an oscar, stop delaying the inevitable), Matthew Goode (the only one who could have been Jim), and an unreal Nicholas Hoult. Yeah, Hoult does the gorgeous charismatic guy well, but his character here is different from the unbelievable Tony in Skins. Here, Hoult’s character seems to arrive out of some strange and wonderful dream to help Firth’s character. The tension is electric in many scenes in this movie. Firth is self-assured and at the same time utterly inconsolable. Everything in this movie is beautiful. I need more movies like this in my life.

And finally, in the random category…Liberty Heights. Random because no one has really heard of its existence and because I don’t do fifties era movies so often (A Single Man was the 60′s, alright!). I learned quite a few interesting things about the Jewish and Black community in Baltimore, 1954. This movie is often very much about mood, with richly colored cars and Ben Kurtzman god-like appreciation of Frank Sinatra. “You don’t walk out on Frank Sinatra” (one of the better little character bits in this movie). The problem was, this movie could have been much tighter, shorter, and more focused. It manages to immerse the viewer in a racist & anti-semitic city. But with such great actors, the movie just did not have the flow it needed. Had to love Ben Kurtzman (Ben Foster) and Sylvia’s (Rebekah Johnson) cute relationship. It’s a bold look at the intersection of a slightly strange Jewish boy and beautiful & intelligent Black girl, neither of who let society define them. Too bad the actress hasn’t done anything since (other than Latter Days, an above average movie that did nothing to show her considerable charm). And obviously future Oscar winner Adrien Brody did not get enough of a fleshed out character. Additionally, the whole issue of the Black community in Baltimore is not addressed to my satisfaction. Still, this movie is often moving, hilarious, and occasionally edgy. I still recommend this movie, even though it was way too long (kind of like this blog entry!). I plan on writing again very soon. Probably tomorrow, I have nothing better to do. Till then, I’ll be missin’ you!

Long time no see!

I feel I owe my blog an apology…I have abandoned you for an unprecedented amount of time. My level of happiness is directly correlated to how much I write in this blog. Directly. So, the last few weeks without you have been a meaningless collection of hours. Finals approach, and since drinking large amounts of alcohol is not a productive way to get rid of stress, or a good thing to do in general, I am writing in my blog. Writing that isn’t assigned is the best. I have a 12-15 page paper due, in a class I really need to improve in, but I consider writing in my blog right now as more important. I really didn’t see the importance of a creative outlet until recently. When all you do is study and hang out and study and watch movies and sleep, life get’s pretty pointless. You study to get better grades to feel better about your self-worth, you party to “release” stress, you go through all the motions, but do you still feel unfulfilled? I am not saying what we learn here in college is meaningless. However, I have come to realize  that it really takes effort on our part to bring meaning into our lives. You have to create meaning for your life. That can be through painting, writing bad poetry,  reading good poetry, really listening to an amazing song, or standing in your room as the sun disappears. Or maybe through writing some brilliant math proof, or learning all the constellations. To find meaning, we have to take part in creation or at least revel in it. Maybe take some breaks during your studying in the next two weeks to do these things, and when you get back to your history and theories, it will actually mean something.

Oh the “Endless Love”

My favorite song from Glee in awhile! Finally, a singer who can keep up with Lea Michele; Matthew Morrison is adorable and can really really sing! This song was great for him, not that I didn’t love him singing the thong song. Other than a great episode of Glee, this week was very draggy. I think everyone is feeling the end of the semester crunch. But I make great excuses not to do work, like “I should really start that final project but I think I am going to watch New Moon instead”. The dread of finals approaches. But at least we have Thanksgiving to look forward to. I have one word for why Thanksgiving is amazing: stuffing! Hell yes. Oh, and being thankful for everything. That sounds really hollow when I say it like that. But think about it..how many times do you bitch about every stupid thing in your life, and how many times do you just stop and marvel at the fact that you are living? Being alive is awesome. I always forget that. I am getting really sick of hearing myself complain. Suck it up. I can do anything and I should be grateful for it. So what if I have a shit ton of tests? Just study and do it! Thanksgiving is a time to thank the universe you are alive and for those of us in college, to be thankful we are in college. Here, in college, we are living much of the world’s dream. I command myself to be thankful. Be thankful for a family. Be thankful for music. Be thankful for Adam Lambert. Be thankful for stuffing. Amen.

p.s. New favorite song of the week: James Morrison, “Pieces Don’t Fit Anymore”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9UZ6Qb7mBg

Where did my childlike sense of wonder go?

Gotta to be my favorite advice from a movie. Remember that brilliant older woman with the curly blond hair and dramatic hats in Under the Tuscan Sun? ( Okay, I’ll admit it. I love that movie) She was giving Diane Lane some stupid advice about life and Italian men, then she told her the best line of the movie: “Remember; never lose your childlike sense of wonder!”. I think the best but hardest thing about getting older is experience. Experiencing challenges, working hard every day, figuring out how amazing and horrible people can be. College is one of the most challenging times of young people’s lives. It’s like someone took 20 years of experience and crammed it into 4. Anyone who has been in college a couple of years knows. How different are you now from when you came to college as a naive freshman? At times this change is great; you feel like you are maturing, becoming the person who are going to be for the rest of your life. At times it feels like every challenge you face is designed to destroy your idealistic dreams. Sometimes it just seems easier to be indifferent to things. Stress and sadness and reality have a tendency to dampen your passions. It is easier to get your shit done and make it until the end of each day that to actually enjoy your life. It’s easier to stay where it’s familiar than to go somewhere new. What if what you hope for never matches up with reality? In college, with life rushing at you every second, it’s easy to think you have started to figure things out. Life is hard. Yeah, you’ll get hurt. And guess what, you have to deal. At this point you might want to stop caring. But there are still an infinite number of mind-blowing beautiful things left out there for you to discover. All you have to do is keep looking. I think Cicero said it best: “It is a shameful thing to be weary of inquiry, when what we search for is excellent”.

The Blaze of Changing Leaves…and Midterms

I have loved walking back to my apartment from class the last few days. The leaves are finally changing, obviously the best part of October (yep, even better than Halloween). Some trees kind of burst from green to orange or red, or change in shades of yellow and brown that creep around the whole tree. I have gotten into a bad habit of stopping and taking pictures of trees while I walk. The thing is, the camera phone is a novelty to me. But people don’t like it when you are walking with them and you keep stopping to take pictures of trees. Apparently it’s weird. I successfully managed not do much work this whole week, so this weekend should be fun. At least I can listen to the FABULOUS Sarah Siskind album, Say It Louder, while I read As You Like It. Even a more “commercial” album by her is rich and folksy and original to me. I know I have already ranted about her, so I’ll just name my favorites on the cd: “Falling Stars”, “Say It Louder”, “Getaway Girl”, “Go”, and especially “Conversation with Fear”. Siskind’s voice is soulful and her songs are well crafted. In “Conversation with Fear”, she sings of an inescapable relationship; “I’m the sailor and you are the villain of the sea …You’re the painter and I’m the color that you need”. Check out her myspace page for some of the songs from her album. Another thing to distract me from midterms is re-watching Blade Runner. Firefly isn’t as original as I originally thought. The vision of the fusing of asian and western culture is all over Blade Runner. I forgot how perfect Harrison Ford and Sean Young were. That movie still doesn’t make any sense to me, but its still beautiful. Such is life.

Waiting.

I have found that, lately, I have been spending a lot of time waiting for things to happen. Waiting until the weekend, waiting until a test is over, waiting until that song I really want to listen to loads on youtube. I guess we spend our whole lives waiting. We exist in a series of moments, and all of them involve waiting in one way or another. We wait until class is over, we wait until vacation, we wait until graduation. We wait to do the things we want to do for the things we have to do. When I think of when I was younger, I remember how much of my time I actually spent waiting. It was my favorite activity. You know how when your young, sitting in your 5th grade homeroom, you would dream of being older? I knew once I was older I would travel the world, fall in love, and know great truths. It’s funny this is what I was waiting for. What we expect and wait for is so different from what finally happens. The transformation of our past imaginings to our present reality seems like it would be more jarring. But it isn’t. It’s a change we hardly notice. I don’t remember thinking one day, “Wow! You’re 20. Remember all the things you were supposed to do?”.  Life really does happen when we’re making other plans. So, next time you’re waiting for something, remember; these moments we spend waiting are part of our lives, and our lives are happening right now.

I have had a revelation

This may sound weird, but I have had a revelation. The last year, I have not been happy with the way I have changed. In high school, I used to really enjoy life. Go to concerts, paint, really listen to music, like my classes, and in general just be a good person. Every since I got into college I feel like I have been changing. I no longer care about things I used to, I act immaturely even as I approach “adulthood”, and I take everything forgranted. I take my friends forgranted and I take my family forgranted. I reached a crossroads this morning when I woke up and realized, I am going to graduate in two years and be out in the world. Is this the person I want to be for the rest of my life? College is supposed to be a time of change. The thing is, no one tells you if it is a change for the better or for the worse. We are all hurtling towards our lives as adults, yet are any of us ready for it? I feel like I have regressed in college, not progressed. The good news is, I have reached this crossroads. I can take the road less traveled, step up to life, and do myself proud. I will actually call my family every once in a while. I will appreciate my friends. I will do the things I love to do, not do what everyone else is doing. I will work hard so that I can still do the things I dreamed about doing my whole life. I am going to start acting like I am ready for the rest of my life. And enjoy the rest of college as a (hopefully) mature adult.

p.s. first step: listen to more npr song of the day

Pink Curtains, Blue Pillows, and So you think You Can Dance!!

I don’t need to convince most people that So You Think You Can Dance is the only talent show out there with real talent. This show takes dancing to the masses, and left us breathless every week this summer. Did you vote for Jeanine? Did you want both her and Brandon to win? Were you pissed as hell when Janette was voted off? Did you live to see Jason take his shirt off? Did that Jason Mraz acoustic verson os “If It Kills Me” break your heart? EVEN IF you have never watched this show, ever, you still have a chance! This fall, a new season premieres. Fox has brilliant stuff in spite of itself. Watch this great show premiere Sept 9th. AND if that was not good enough, GLEE returns that same night. Do not get me started on how much Glee makes me happy in my soul. I have watched theat Journey song cover ten times. Yes, Glee qualifies as a new obsession. It is hard for TV shows to touch us sad and jaded youth, but Glee brings the most unexpected joy to its viewers. Get excited! I will be enjoying these two shows in my newly decorated apartment. It doesn’t even look like a college place anymore…thanks roommates!

Remember that guy in a skirt?

There is something really interesting about University of Maryland, and maybe ever really big school. There are lots of different people here. Rich, poor, middle class, preppy, goth, gay, straight, or somewhere in between, black, white, Chinese, Korean, Nicaraguan, Eritrean (holla), and many many more. Yet the more diverse and populated the school is, the more people tend to group themselves. I am definitely not saying that people don’t have diverse friends, or that gay guys don’t have straight friends. That isn’t true. Rather, it seems like there are invisible lines set up everywhere we turn. The way everyone notices the black girl and white guy holding hands, but tries to act like they don’t see. The contempt is still there. I saw a guy in a skirt the other day walking around. That guy had some serious balls. I could never assert myself like that in this school. Yeah, there are lots of really different people here, but they never cross those understood, acceptable boundaries. The boundaries that separates being who you are and imposing it on other students. That guy got so many turn-your-head all-the-way-around stares and horrible laughs I thought he would just crawl under a tree and try to disappear. Forget openly gay couples. I could not imagine two guys holding hands on the way to class, or kissing outside. That would be going over a boundary. Yeah, racism and homophobia exist everywhere in society, and many large universities try to address this issues through forums and clubs. Maybe these boundaries will be broken down with time. Maybe I am just too politically correct, or don’t know what I am talking about. But as an institution of higher learning, when I hear people say the n word behind closed doors, or say that’s so gay, I am disappointed.

Strange Connections

It’s weird how the senses work. Particularly considering the theory of conditioning, Pavlov’s dog and all of that stuff psychology majors love. How music can connect to a memory, a particular food to a time in your life. I was thinking about how many songs, foods, scents, even TV shows, remind of the most specific times in my life. Bon Iver’s “Skinny Love”=2nd semester freshman year, sitting in my dorm room. That song makes me think of cold dorm floors, fluoresecent lights, and Organic Chemistry. Somehow Poptarts remind me of that time too. I know whenever I listen to “Show Me What I’m Looking For” by Carolina Liar I will think of this summer, MCATs and headaches from staring at my computer screen. Car exhaust never fails to remind me of Asmara, Eritrea, when I visited back home with my family when I was 16. Cigarette smoke either reminds me of my first concert or anywhere in Paris. Bad coffee of sophomore year. Strangely, “You Found Me” by Kelly Clarkson=Veronica Mars & Logan’s motel kiss. And of course every good College Park student who goes to class will be reminded of their college days when they have blisters on their feet and are sweating after walking 25 minutes in the sun. Memory is totally weird.