(Unclever)

Yes, I AM alive. Life has been so overwhelming. I have many interviews for medical school. Obviously very good, but stressful at the same time. Get to see New Haven for the first time in two weeks! Oh, the second you think things can’t get more stressful, they do. Maybe life after college will actually be hard??? In movie news, I saw The Social Network this past weekend, and it is  a viscously brilliant comment on the origins of our facebook society.

I lurve me some Jesse Eisenberg, and he did something actors don’t usually do…he SURPRISED me! I never thought I could dislike any Jesse Eisenberg character but I totally did in this movie. Well, not exactly…I felt a deep ambivalence towards his character. It might be obnoxious calling this movie Oscar worthy, because the whole system of the Oscars is false and self-congratulatory, but he deserves a damn Oscar nomination. The supporting actors were so fucking authentic and elite and human that they actors who played Eduardo (Andrew Garfield) and the Winklevoss brothers (Armie Hammer) deserve nominations as well. Another random recommendation if you have any free time…read Giovanni’s Room by James Baldwin. I am really not up to a thorough review, but this books is EMOTIONALLY DEVASTATING and PAINFULLY BEAUTIFUL. Don’t worry, its sad in a very enjoyable sort of way. Okay, moving on. I am too lazy to write anything else that is coherent, so I am drudging up so lazy poetry from the summer to fill space. Let you eyes glaze over.

hindilovesongbellydance

shimmies out of speakers along

the floor leaving filmy sighs on the wall

you listen in hopes of solace

roommates make noises

and sizzles

with oil outside your room

you see traces of bollywood in

the exaggerated dramas played out

in your erratic brain

in the horrible buffet down the street

in your bored imaginations in class

(you imagine each fellow student in

an orchestrated soap opera)

in the unnerving stares of strangers

well, the world currently is the

confines of your small room

you miss your childhood place, the

one with neon moss and fairies

you wonder what you will do tomorrow

the next day, the next week, next

month, next year, and at death

what a terribly trail of thought

you think of the money you will

save and use for travel

you read through self-absorbed old journals and see you have written

the same thing forever.

maybe if you were not such a slacker

you could imagine something wonderful and it

then could exist.

The Kids Don’t Stand A Chance

Excellent excellent song. Did not even realize it was a Vampire Weekend cover. Sorry Vampire Weekend, I love you to death, but B.o.B. really did this song justice. I Know this because I heard Vampire Weekend sing it and completely forgot it in an instant. Then I listen to the B.o.B. cover, and listened to it about 10 times in a row. That song would be ironic on the soundtrack of The Kids Are Alright. I am dying to see that. I have had a bit of a wild summer. Wild as in stressful. Life really stares you down the summer before your senior year in college. Medical school applications flood in, take all my money, and make me write bullshit proclamations. Sounds like the rest of my life. I find myself increasingly disappointed with the world around me. Not because of med school apps. I am actually looking forward to med school…especially if I can go in New York. That would be a dream. No, this disappointment comes from realizing the harsh reality of things. I will not get political here, because I find the Flame War video by College Humor quite amusing, and I don’t want to be one of those people. I am speaking more abstractly here. With all this “anti-incumbent” talk, Tea Party people, Prop 8, the Islamic center that is supposed to be built near ground zero, general wars going on everywhere, etc, I just want to scream how much everyone sucks.  I can see how people have become so polarized. When you see people spewing hatred, and turning everything you believe to your core to dust, it really makes you want to be completely radical in the other direction. Damn, I went and got all political. SORRY. But I can’t just become some crazy liberal either. I can’t tote the evils of war, the necessity of religious freedom, the deep racism and homophobia that live in this supposedly equal country. There would be no point. I don’t really know enough about politics to talk smack anyway. But when I see people preaching hatred as some way of protecting this country, it confounds me. How can we live in a world where people are still so prejudiced? Duh, I said to myself, wake up to reality. When I get this way, movies are a deep comfort. Watching a better world makes you believe that it can exist. People create movies because they have a vision of how things could be or should be, or reveal the true face of how things are. The Siege is one great example. This movie predicted the anti-Islam wave that would hit this country after a terrorist attack BEFORE 9/11 even happened. Way to tap into the vein of prejudice. I do not speak to get into politics, or even discuss that Islamic center being built…I am not here to argue anything. I just am deeply saddened and disappointed by people’s reactions. Milk is another excellent example of a movie that reveals something about society. This movie is based on the true story of Harvey Milk, the first openly gay man to hold public office. I don’t need to tell you how inspiring this movie was. And it came at an essential time in this country’s history. Seeing what Harvey Milk could do, even at that time, inspired me to want a better world, where citizens of this country of different sexual orientation are given the rights they deserve. In this country, “gay” people (gay is an annoying word, just an observation) are treated like second class citizens. In this day and age, in the words of Margaret Cho, we live in a facist state. But there remains hope for “society”. Prejudice in all forms towards all kinds of differences will eventually be defeated. It just depends on how long it will take. When I have stopped and allowed myself to think about the state of things, it is almost too unbearable to comprehend. It hurts, but it must be comprehended. So, sometimes a rambling, mildly incomprehensible blog post is needed for a cathartic release. Ahhhhhh. That helped. Movies and music next time!!!!

The Blaze of Changing Leaves…and Midterms

I have loved walking back to my apartment from class the last few days. The leaves are finally changing, obviously the best part of October (yep, even better than Halloween). Some trees kind of burst from green to orange or red, or change in shades of yellow and brown that creep around the whole tree. I have gotten into a bad habit of stopping and taking pictures of trees while I walk. The thing is, the camera phone is a novelty to me. But people don’t like it when you are walking with them and you keep stopping to take pictures of trees. Apparently it’s weird. I successfully managed not do much work this whole week, so this weekend should be fun. At least I can listen to the FABULOUS Sarah Siskind album, Say It Louder, while I read As You Like It. Even a more “commercial” album by her is rich and folksy and original to me. I know I have already ranted about her, so I’ll just name my favorites on the cd: “Falling Stars”, “Say It Louder”, “Getaway Girl”, “Go”, and especially “Conversation with Fear”. Siskind’s voice is soulful and her songs are well crafted. In “Conversation with Fear”, she sings of an inescapable relationship; “I’m the sailor and you are the villain of the sea …You’re the painter and I’m the color that you need”. Check out her myspace page for some of the songs from her album. Another thing to distract me from midterms is re-watching Blade Runner. Firefly isn’t as original as I originally thought. The vision of the fusing of asian and western culture is all over Blade Runner. I forgot how perfect Harrison Ford and Sean Young were. That movie still doesn’t make any sense to me, but its still beautiful. Such is life.

Blog>Sleep

I need sleep but I would rather write a bit on my blog. And it’s hard to sleep without destressing a little. I never thought I would like outdoors stuff, like trees and dirt and creepy spiders and camping. When I went on a retreat for a service club’s training this weekend, at first all the rocks and bugs and lack of cell service really freaked me out. But, then I was walking around the lodge with some friends of mine. We decided to stop by a bonfire pit near this huge, dark lake near the woods. We lay outside in the middle of the night and watched the sky, pointing out shapes in the clouds and watching shooting stars and talking about our lives.  We were many miles away from college in the middle of nowhere. It was awesome. The lake was even better in the daylight. We laid out on dock while the sun blinded us from its reflection on the water. We fed this puny looking fishes and saw a black bear run across the far edge of the water. We kept trying to sneak back to the edge of the lake whenever we had breaks between workshops. That lake is officially one of my favorite places in the world. The retreat was only one night, and we eventually left the lake and the lodge to drive back to school. After two days I already feel removed from that lost place in the Virginian woods. Nature is so cool. At least I can listen to Glee songs to remind me of that great weekend, considering how many we listened to on the way there and back.

Waiting.

I have found that, lately, I have been spending a lot of time waiting for things to happen. Waiting until the weekend, waiting until a test is over, waiting until that song I really want to listen to loads on youtube. I guess we spend our whole lives waiting. We exist in a series of moments, and all of them involve waiting in one way or another. We wait until class is over, we wait until vacation, we wait until graduation. We wait to do the things we want to do for the things we have to do. When I think of when I was younger, I remember how much of my time I actually spent waiting. It was my favorite activity. You know how when your young, sitting in your 5th grade homeroom, you would dream of being older? I knew once I was older I would travel the world, fall in love, and know great truths. It’s funny this is what I was waiting for. What we expect and wait for is so different from what finally happens. The transformation of our past imaginings to our present reality seems like it would be more jarring. But it isn’t. It’s a change we hardly notice. I don’t remember thinking one day, “Wow! You’re 20. Remember all the things you were supposed to do?”.  Life really does happen when we’re making other plans. So, next time you’re waiting for something, remember; these moments we spend waiting are part of our lives, and our lives are happening right now.

I have had a revelation

This may sound weird, but I have had a revelation. The last year, I have not been happy with the way I have changed. In high school, I used to really enjoy life. Go to concerts, paint, really listen to music, like my classes, and in general just be a good person. Every since I got into college I feel like I have been changing. I no longer care about things I used to, I act immaturely even as I approach “adulthood”, and I take everything forgranted. I take my friends forgranted and I take my family forgranted. I reached a crossroads this morning when I woke up and realized, I am going to graduate in two years and be out in the world. Is this the person I want to be for the rest of my life? College is supposed to be a time of change. The thing is, no one tells you if it is a change for the better or for the worse. We are all hurtling towards our lives as adults, yet are any of us ready for it? I feel like I have regressed in college, not progressed. The good news is, I have reached this crossroads. I can take the road less traveled, step up to life, and do myself proud. I will actually call my family every once in a while. I will appreciate my friends. I will do the things I love to do, not do what everyone else is doing. I will work hard so that I can still do the things I dreamed about doing my whole life. I am going to start acting like I am ready for the rest of my life. And enjoy the rest of college as a (hopefully) mature adult.

p.s. first step: listen to more npr song of the day

Two Songs I Like actually…and a poem

“Gravity” by Sara Bareilles – this song is beautiful and heart-breaking. Partly because I think of Kayla & Kupono’s addiction dance on SYTYCD. Check out Kayla & Kupono’s Addiction dance on youtube as well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_U6iSAn_fY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmeVX_e5aSE&feature=related

The Swell Season A.K.A. Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova – Live desk session on NPR. – It is mindblowing that this guy has not won a million grammys and reached astronomic worldwide fame. Glen Hansard is a brilliant songwriter who is even more brilliant in his live performances. And Marketa Irglova both complements and enhances their music with her gentle yet evocative voice. He makes The Frames rival u2 as my favorite Irish band ever.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=111679769

And as promised, a weird ass poem I wrote January 7th at 4 in the morning.

Still its in this house

In late late night

The ticking chiming clock loud

The mouse scuttles

Awake sitting

On the red couch near

Very near dawn

Glad

I could leave

You in your dark room

Leave your loud beating

Heart

Staying here

In my nightgown

wiping dust off old book

in the dim light reading

I am in this house

you are in that house

Still it’s in this house

In late late night

The ticking chiming clock loud

The mouse scuttles

Awake sitting

On the red couch near

Very near dawn

Glad

I could leave

You in your dark room

Leave your loud beating

Heart

Staying here

In my nightgown

wiping dust off old book

in the dim light reading

I am in this house

you are in that house

Strange Connections

It’s weird how the senses work. Particularly considering the theory of conditioning, Pavlov’s dog and all of that stuff psychology majors love. How music can connect to a memory, a particular food to a time in your life. I was thinking about how many songs, foods, scents, even TV shows, remind of the most specific times in my life. Bon Iver’s “Skinny Love”=2nd semester freshman year, sitting in my dorm room. That song makes me think of cold dorm floors, fluoresecent lights, and Organic Chemistry. Somehow Poptarts remind me of that time too. I know whenever I listen to “Show Me What I’m Looking For” by Carolina Liar I will think of this summer, MCATs and headaches from staring at my computer screen. Car exhaust never fails to remind me of Asmara, Eritrea, when I visited back home with my family when I was 16. Cigarette smoke either reminds me of my first concert or anywhere in Paris. Bad coffee of sophomore year. Strangely, “You Found Me” by Kelly Clarkson=Veronica Mars & Logan’s motel kiss. And of course every good College Park student who goes to class will be reminded of their college days when they have blisters on their feet and are sweating after walking 25 minutes in the sun. Memory is totally weird.